Hey hey all. It’s been a while. Is this thing still on?
Ok that introduction was corny, but I had to get that out because I feel like I’m dusting off decades of cobwebs as I fire this up. I’ve been on an extended sabbatical since...whenever my last post was. This definitely wasn’t planned, but I needed to take a solid break from writing to focus on my other pursuits. What are those you might ask? Well let me tell you.
For starters I began the process of applying to grad school, which cost nothing short of 300-something dollars and 67 percent of my soul. It was an extensive process filled with GRE prep, fine-tuning old essays, and sacrificing a baby penguin on the new moon (alright THAT was admittedly dark, but that’s the best way I can describe trying to hustle for letters of recommendation). I’m pleased to say my work paid off as I will be journeying back to my alma mater to continue my pursuit of higher education, and looming student debt.
While my grad school process was still in effect, a job opportunity presented itself. For those who don’t know I work for a non-profit organization that helps run after-school enrichment programs. I began working there in conjunction with my job at iHeartMedia during the summer I graduated from college. I started as a reading coach before transitioning a few positions, until ultimately becoming what would be equivalent of an assistant manager or a team lead. In either case around November of 2017 my job acquired two new school sites, and I was asked to help launch one of them. I said yes, and within a month was promoted to a program manager of my own school site, just in time for the holidays (Christmas was a good one that year ya’ll).
As I stepped more into my role as a program manager, the stress of working both a full time job and a part time one began to take its toll, and I ultimately decided to quit my part-time gig at iHeartMedia in February of this year. I can’t sit here and say the decision was necessarily tough. I’d been at that job long enough that I’d learned just about as much as anyone probably could in my position. Nevertheless, I can’t pretend I didn’t feel a way as I put in my two-weeks. This job had been my FIRST place of employment, EVER! And in spite of the often times mundane nature of my position as a street team member, the experience I gained and interactions I had were invaluable, and had a fundamental impact in my growth.
During one of the final conversations I had with my old manager at iHeart, as he gave me his best form of a...well I’m not sure how to categorize it, but it definitely felt like a ‘my dude are you sure’ sort of talk, he stated that I’m at an age where I have all this energy and that I needed to “keep pushing.” I responded that he was right, because he was, but the thing that I told him which had been all so clear to me was that I had no idea what I was pushing for.
For the past 2 and half years since I’d finished up in undergrad, I felt like I’d been on a constant hamster wheel of GO GO GO. I had graduated with all these ideas about who I was and what I wanted, only to find out I didn’t know shit. Not one single gotdamn thing! In the last couple of years I’ve found myself making decisions and chasing after goals, only to end up in an aisle that carried nothing that I was even looking for. I’ve worked as hard as I could for as long as I could, to be the guy who stayed on top of things. In reality I was dog-paddling and barely staying afloat. I’ve had super late nights and painstakingly early mornings (6 AM check-in times on a Saturday is bullshit, do you hear me? Bull. Shit).
I did as much as I felt like I could, and still, only yielded results that I felt showed none of my efforts. Now I know this is all part of the journey and blah blah whatever, but I admit it gets frustrating when you feel like the journey you’re taking is putting you in loop after loop.
I say all that to say for the last couple months since I quit my part time duties, I’ve pretty much been focused on doing me. What does THAT entail you might ask. Mainly, sleeping in on the weekends which I now have the luxury of doing. Aside from that though, I’ve getting back to the activities that make me feel more me. I’ve been reading more. I’ve been meditating (almost) daily. I’ve started catching up more with friends, and my Netflix (Big Mouth is my shit). In short, I’ve been reconnecting with Kevin, and it feels a bit foreign, but good.
And now we’re smack in between allergies acting like a pissy Republican and the impending heat the devil enjoys bringing to Sacramento. My job is entering its high season as we prepare for summer school and begin enrollments for next school year. I myself and preparing to head back as I work on reshaping my room to be more college ready (shoutout to IKEA). My mental health has seen some major overhaul that’s helping me to not become a neurotic cat-person (more on that later). As a whole I feel good.
This probably isn’t my most exciting post. And I don’t want to say “I’m back, check me out every Tuesday.” But I am still here. Still black. Still dope(ish) as fuck. Still stumbling along the way. It has and will always be my hope that I’m able to share my markers in life in way that comes off as insightful and comforting, as opposed to bitching and moaning. In either case this is where I am in life, and I’m just grateful for the opportunity to put myself on blast to the masses.
Mindfully yours,
Kevin Calloway